


Tek Jansen and the Daily Girl!: Runingagium, A Most Precious Material: A Tek Jansen Adventure

by DoctorV



Series: Archive: Doc's Old-Ass Fake News Fic (Daily Show, Colbert Report, etc.) [23]
Category: Fake News FPF, Tek Jansen (Comic), The Colbert Report, The Daily Show
Genre: Character Development, F/M, Innuendo, Jon Stewart expy, Ridiculous, Space Battles, Suggestively Shaped Space Anomalies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 03:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13989822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: TEK JANSEN OF ALPHA SQUAD 7 returns in this stunning installment! In this episode: secrets of SATIRIA DAILY'S homeworld are revealed and a shameful space sneak-attack startles our stalwart squad!





	Tek Jansen and the Daily Girl!: Runingagium, A Most Precious Material: A Tek Jansen Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> Archiving some old old OLD fanfic of mine. This was originally posted to LiveJournal 07/29/2009, with the author's note:  
> "I intended for this to be a one-shot, but it looks like that's gone out the window. These are based more on the comic than the cartoon, because...well, there's more to work with, and also I have foolishly failed to rewatch Tek Jansen's animated adventures (blasphemy!). Also, see if you can catch all the references! Some are subtle as a clue-by-four, some are clear as mud. Win fabulous prizes! (Prizes not actually fabulous. Or existent.)"
> 
> Hope you're not expecting an actual ending to this series, 'cause this is the last one I wrote. Sorry!

"They built me a statue."

 

Tek and C.A.S.E.Y. glanced up in surprise as Satiria quietly entered the bridge again. She seemed almost dazed as she took a seat.

 

"Baquin said there was almost a riot when that old runingagium mine blew and they thought I was still trapped there. I-I just don't _get_ how—"

 

"Wait just a nano, there," Tek interrupted, leaning forward. "Did you say 'runingagium'?"

 

Satiria gave him a bewildered frown, brow furrowing. "It's one of the chief exports of the Jooziast System," she said slowly. "Nambla, the moon you, uh, blew up rescuing me, was all but mined out, but there's still plenty coming from Inwendo." At his confused look, she added, "Another moon. Bigger than Nambla. Longer, thicker veins of runingagium plunging straight through to the moon's core."

 

For some reason, Tek felt a little hot under the collar at her description. He hadn't realized he felt so strongly about system exports. Or maybe Satiria was just using the mysterious and al _lur_ ing power of her words to once again make him care about things he normally wouldn't.

 

That he was even _listening_ to those words spoke volumes about their power, despite their lack of volume.

 

But that wasn't the point right now. "So you're telling me that the people who supply most of the universe's runingagium, a _rare_ and _precious_ material highly prized by nearly every civilized planet.... You're telling me _those_ people almost _rioted_ when they thought you died in that explosion?"

 

"Um...yes?" Shrugging with embarrassment, Satiria flashed a sheepish smile.

 

"How do you think they would react if you were, say, killed on _purpose_?"

 

"I... You know, they're probably just still hyped up from the revolution," she said, relieved understanding stealing over her features. "Everyone probably went out _celebrating_ afterward; I think I remember talk of a _party_. And you know," she grinned as if sharing a joke, "that Baquonaiz ale can get you drunk for a _week._ " She chuckled, a look of fond remembrance on her face.

 

Tek wondered if she was _naked_ in those remembrances.

 

She was in _his_ version.

 

Tek opened his mouth to suggest making a few fond memories of their own. "Why—"

 

"Incoming!" C.A.S.E.Y. shouted suddenly.

 

"Incoming _what_?" Tek demanded, just before the ship abruptly lurched.

 

Satiria was thrown from her seat and landed squarely on Tek's lap. Yelping in surprise, she threw her arms over Tek's broad, solid shoulders. Instinctively, Tek placed a firm, steadying hand on Satiria's hip, his arm supporting her lower back.

 

It was...oddly reassuring, in a way Satiria hadn't experienced in years. When she glanced up at Tek, he was gazing at her intensely and she felt herself flush all over. "Oh, _Te—_ "

 

"Brace yourselves!" C.A.S.E.Y. called just as the ship lurched again.

 

" _Who_ is attacking us and _why_ haven't we blown them up yet?!" Tek demanded, pulling Satiria close and holding her protectively against his firm, well-muscled chest.

 

"Phase-shifted inter-dimensional meteor storm, boss!"

 

"Well where's it _coming_ from?"

 

"Er..." C.A.S.E.Y. checked one of the screens in front of him, then turned back to Tek with a bewildered look on his simianoid face. "Everywhere!"

 

Tek narrowed his eyes with gritty determination. "Then we'll just have to _shoot_ everywhere."

 

With all the dignity capable of being mustered by a tiny woman in the lap of a strong, virile man, Satiria met his determined gaze with one of her own and asked, "You got a spare blaster?"

 

\---------------

 

"This is a _set-up_ ," Tek growled as meteors disintegrated under his photonic assault. "It _has_ to be!"

 

Not looking up from her own viewscreen, Satiria lined up another target and hit the spot with pin-point accuracy that caused it to crumble apart into harmless fragments. "Phase-shifted interdimensional meteors aren't common in this region?"

 

"Of _course_ not! We're nowhere _near_ a causality breach!"

 

"I don't know this area," Satiria said defensively. "I don't leave Zen very often."

 

"All you need to know is that this all stinks of someone softening us up before they move in for the _kill_." Another explosion reflected off Tek's glasses. "I just don't recognize whose stench it is. ... _Yet._ "

 

"Well I'm sure you'll sniff them out in due time."

 

The ship suddenly shuddered again.

 

"C.A.S.E.Y.!" Tek shouted. "There's too many! Find where they're coming from!"

 

"On it, boss!" Agile simianoid fingers flew over the controls as Tek and Satiria tried to keep meteors at bay. "Found it! Coordinates 101705."

 

"What?"

 

"I see it!" Satiria cried. "It looks like...um...." She trailed off awkwardly.

 

Stretching, Tek peered over her shoulder. He could see straight down her top and it was quite a sight. Then he glanced up at her viewscreen and his eyes widened. "Venus _flytrap_!"

 

"Sure, let's go with that."

 

"It's a rip in the very fabric of _reality_!"

 

"Oh. I thought you meant it looked like—Nevermind."

 

Returning to his seat, Tek narrowed his eyes at his own viewscreen and said grimly, "Let's _plug_ that gash."

 

Satiria abruptly snickered and ducked her head. Clearing her throat, she said, "Couldn't have put it better myself."

 

Together they double-teamed the anomaly, relentlessly pounding at it, but they might as well have been shooting blanks.

 

"It's not working!" Satiria said, turning her attention to an incoming meteor. "We're just not scoring a hit." A startled look crossed her face and she bit her lip. She was clearly _terrified_ , if the shaking of her shoulders was any indication. A giggle suddenly escaped her.

 

...Terrified _and_ hysterical. He would need to comfort her later. Tek frowned. But first there had to _be_ a later.

 

"C.A.S.E.Y!" he shouted. "Re _calibrate_ something!"

 

" _What_ , boss?"

 

" _Anything_ that'll let us _cream_ that slit!"

 

Covering her face with both hands, Satiria choked, her entire body trembling. Tek manfully resisted the urge to pull her into his lap and start comforting early; they still needed her working a photon cannon. The way her delicate hands teased over the controls spoke of experience. He _liked_ a woman with a little experience.

 

"On it, Boss!"

 

"Who could be _behind_ this nefarious attack?" Tek mused as he lined up another shot.

 

"Maybe it's an angry ex-girlfriend," Satiria suggested, voice still hoarse with emotion.

 

"Why do you say that?"

 

Satiria stared at him, surprised. "You _really_ don't recognize that? Zarn, I thought you were just being professional."

 

Arching an eyebrow, Tek asked, "Recognize w—"

 

" _Brace_ yourselves!" C.A.S.E.Y. shouted.

 

The ship lurched violently and Satiria was thrown from the photon cannon controls just before they exploded in a shower of sparks. Almost in slow motion, Tek saw the woman's fragile, unprotected head fly toward a hard, sharp bulkhead. Leaping from his seat, he caught her right before she would have hit the bulkhead, twisting in mid-air and cushioning her with his own far more rugged and impact-ready body.

 

Satiria gasped and clung to him, cringing as they hit the floor. Then she lifted her head and looked down at him. "Tek! Are you alright?"

 

" _Ow._ I mean — A little tumble is _nothing_ to an intrepid space-hero such as myself!"

 

Affection stealing onto her face, Satiria reached up to brush back Tek's hair. "Fair enough," she said. "But are you _hurt_?"

 

Tek stared at her, unfamiliar emotions suddenly swirling beneath his roguishly mussed coif. Then, to his own surprise, he admitted quietly, "A little bruised, maybe."

 

Straddling his waist, Satiria opened her mouth to reply when the ship abruptly lurched again, shuddering violently as the warning lights flipped on. "Thrice-cursed tetra- _hells_ ! That's not a _good_ thing, _is_ it?"

 

"Only if that was the anomaly's death throes."

 

"Boss, we're losing power!" C.A.S.E.Y. yelped. "And I've recalibrated everything I _can_ from this console!"

 

"Is there anything _else_ you can recalibrate?" Tek demanded, pushing himself to his feet with Satiria clutched protectively to his chest.

 

"Well..."

 

"Out with it, C.A.S.E.Y!"

 

"There's a work station in the back, but it's flooded with radiation from the leaking core right now."

 

"Good thing you're already radioactive, then."

 

"Wait, what?" Satiria asked, eyes widening. "He's what-now?"

 

"Oh yeah, that's right." Saluting, C.A.S.E.Y. reached up and swung away from his console and toward the door. "I'm on it, Boss!"

 

" _That's_ why he's glowing?"

  
_Will Tek finally get to comfort Satiria with some sweet, sweet Tek-lovin'?_ Will _Tek and Satiria defeat the giant space vagina? (Yeah I said it.) All this and more in the next installment of..."Tek Jansen and the Daily Girl!: A Tek Jansen Adventure"!_

**Author's Note:**

> That's all, folks! :D


End file.
